Jersey Shore Massacre Blu-ray Review
Well, leave it to me to jinx myself. A few weeks ago I watched a movie that I thought was the worst piece of trash I had ever seen. I made inference to, in my review, the reasons you don’t make claims like that… but I forgot one. So what happens? I receive a movie called JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE, a little movie that was picked up by now-producer Jennifer “JWoww” Farley (from the show the movie closely parodies), and I realized that the title of worst movie ever might actually have a contender.
When a bunch of gals from the shore head out for a weekend away from their troubles, the worst thing they expect to deal with are the jerky-hunky Italian men. And they get some of that trouble in spades, but it doesn’t matter because these are the things that people in these kind of vapid films care about – they care about their muscles; they care about their bodies and how much skin they can show; they care about getting drunk and partying… I’m trying to find something of value here.
The movie devolves, though not nearly quickly enough, into a gruesome slasher flick. Aside from a quick opening tease JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE snails along for almost half the length of the film with nary a single character doing anything interesting. I expected it to smack of some of the manufactured drama of the show for which it was named but none of the characters presented in JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE have a tenth of the snap of the folks in it’s namesake ‘original’ from MTV.
Nevertheless, JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE is a movie made entirely for the fan-base of the MTV show that aired from 2009-2012. That should have told me something going into the movie but for some reason I still tried to get lost in the story. The problem is it just doesn’t work out well, it doesn’t pay off for the viewer, because there isn’t a single person worth a moment of our time presented on screen. I won’t bother you with character names. I don’t think they mattered. We have six women and five men who eventually become the fodder for a gruesome slasher movie but who fail to give us a single shred of anything resembling humanity.
There’s so little here to like it’s hard for me to compare it to any other film. Slasher films, done well, can be fun. You can enjoy a rooting interest from the opening moments to the end. Not here. This one has NONE of the things that have led the resurgence of the horror film in the last 10 years. But the real crime of the movie is that it’s not quite a train-wreck. It’s not quite bad enough to inspire true cult status, and because it takes itself so seriously we’re left with a movie that is awful but ultimately forgettable. For this reason it can’t be the worst movie ever… but man, it’s a crap way to spend an hour and a half.
Video: (1080p Widescreen 2.35:1) The video of JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE is much better than the MTV show on which it is based but is pretty terrible by HD standards.
Audio: (English 5.1 Surround) The audio presentation of JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE is competently presented.
Fat Camp Massacre Part 1 (10:16) A movie the characters watch during JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE is featured on the Blu-ray… it’s grossly offensive as well as being boring to watch… not at all worth your time.
Bigfood Unmedicated (05:21) Apparently Mark Shaw Junior, known as Bigfoot, left a number of messages for the director after JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE was released. He may or may not have intellectual disabilities but I don’t appreciate the tone of this response from the director and filmmakers. I’m glad they thought it was funny (I’m not actually) but I just find it unbecoming. I don’t know why I would expect any level of class from the people behind this tripe, but it surprised me how much this really angered me.
Behind the Scenes (24:00) A half-hour of television-length featurette, this is far more fun than the movie it promotes. Pleasantly surprised with the discussion from young filmmakers who worked on JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE.
Coming Soon (01:35) JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE features the trailer for another feature from this indie studio that was apparently shot before, GIRLS GONE DEAD. I can’t imagine it could be worse than this one, but it looks pretty poor.
Italian Ice “Melt” (05:40) Another scene from Fat Camp Massacre ties into a song/character seen in JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE.
Kingnyne “Outta My Head” (04:32) A music video from JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE is featured on the Blu-ray.