Vamps Blu-ray Review

NIGHT PATROL.  ECKS VS SEVER.  BASIC INSTINCT 2.  These are three films that I wasted valuable time out of my life to watch.  Time I’ll never get back.  Today I add to this list the very unfunny comedy VAMPS.

Vamps

Goody (Silverstone) is a 19th Century Abolitionist.  In 2012.  Seems Goody is what you or I might call a vampire – having been turned in 1841 by her “stem” vampire Cisserus (Weaver).  Goody still looks great because as long as Cisserus is around her body won’t show any visible sign of aging.  In the mid 1980s she convinced Cisserus to turn Stacy (Ritter), giving her someone closer to her own age – well, supposed age – to hang out with.  But these girls aren’t your typical vampires.  First, they only drink rodent blood.  Rats are tasty but they’re not above sticking a straw into a pigeon.  They are so against drinking human blood that they attend weekly meetings with other committed vampires, including the once feared Vlad the Impaler (Malcolm McDowell) who now would rather knit then stick heads on a pike.  They sleep by day and go to classes and work at night.  Then, when the city becomes to come alive, they party until right before dawn.  Goody has acquired an amazing 10,000 credit hours, but can’t graduate because the ceremonies are held during the day.  But one night Stacy meets a young man named Joey (Dan Stevens).  Joey Van Helsing.  Hello, Ms. Heckerling –  Hey, get back here…I couldn’t turn it off so you can’t stop reading.

Vamps

Amy Heckerling is responsible for two of the most honest and best loved films to ever capture the teenage culture:  FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH and CLUELESS.  She managed to put her finger on the pulse of those generations and made films that related to the kids she was highlighting.  Not so here.  And I understand that there probably aren’t any late night disco dwelling vampires out there but if there were they’d be pretty upset at what Heckerling has wrought.  This is a shame because the idea has promise.  It also has bad jokes (an Adam Ant reference – really?), bad special effects and a cast of “names” (Richard Lewis, Kristen Johnson and Weaver among them) that look like they’d rather be anywhere else.  Zak Orth…Marilu Henner…Gael Garcia Bernal (!)…everyone seems to be here for the paycheck.  Only the great Wallace Shawn, like Silverstone, a former CLUELESS co-star, gets genuine laughs as Pa Van Helsing.  And fans of FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH will be happy to see Taylor Negron, the pizza guy who delivered Jeff Spicoli’s double cheese and sausage pizza to Mr. Hands’ class, back on screen.  As a pizza guy.  I guess you stick with what works.  Sadly nothing in this move does.  It took Alicia Silverstone years to recover after another time waster, BATMAN AND ROBIN.  After VAMPS, whether we have a mirror or not we may never see her again.

BLU-RAY REVIEW

Video:  Suprisingly the best thing about this disc is the technical qualities.  The picture is bright and the colors jump.  The presentation is widescreen in a 1.78:1 ratio.

Audio:  The sound is presented in Dolby True HD 5.1 and is well mixed.  Even scenes with multiple conversations or loud musical backgrounds sound clear.

Vamps

Extras: Thankfully there are none!

OVERALL 0.5
VERDICT:
    MOVIE REVIEW
    BLU-RAY REVIEW
-/5.0
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