Nine Lives Blu-ray Review
Jeremy Werner
January 9th, 2017
It takes a lot for me to vehemently hate a movie. In my short writing career, I have yet to give a movie an absolute zero. I’ve thought about a few times, but have chosen not to write the review or discuss the movie because I know that because it’s so bad, it may just crave the negative attention it so rightfully deserves. NINE LIVES is a movie that doesn’t need that attention, but it does make me wonder how the hell this was ever created or why anyone even bothered.
Barry Sonnenfeld is far from a household name and one that doesn’t deserve to be mentioned alongside some of America’s greatest directors. But he did create a pair of the most iconic 90’s movies (ADDAMS FAMILY, its sequel, and MEN IN BLACK) that Millennials still watch when they notice Netflix has it. But after MEN IN BLACK 3, what would possibly possess him to do NINE LIVES, especially when he mentions in one of the features that he’s allergic to cats?
Then there’s Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Garner, Christopher Walken, Cheryl Hines, and others. On their own you can make the argument that some are bigger than others, but as a whole it’s a solid cast worthy of any other material. Spacey’s naturally sardonic tone would complement any comedy. Garner has an innate innocence about her lately that only gets more spontaneous with age. Throw those two in with Walken and Hines, surely you’d get a decent comedy about anything and I mean, anything. So why sign on for this?
The argument could be made that actors and director, especially ones who’ve spent their time starring in ‘R’ rated content, want to star in something their kids or grandchildren can appreciate and watch. But I would wager there are hundreds of other scripts that are way better than NINE LIVES that don’t have Spacey delivering piss and poop jokes or have Hines chasing a CGI animal around an apartment. The egregious list of offenses in NINE LIVES is too long to completely go over, but a simple watch of the movie’s trailer would surely pose as a large warning sign for anyone contemplating a watch.
Spacey plays Tom, an unlikeable billionaire who honestly never seems to care about his daughter, his wife, or his adult son (even when the script actually calls for it). He gets turned into a cat so he can be taught a lesson by a crazy cat shop owner named Felix (Walken). Tom doesn’t learn any lessons, but he does drink a bottle of liquor, does a very creepy daddy-daughter dance as an animal, and does get upset at the thought that his neglected wife could possibly be cheating on him. The actors, outside the young talent, phone it in and I don’t blame them.
NINE LIVES is a movie that I hate the more that I sit around think about it. I’m pondering its low-brow humor, weak script, and poor direction. But most importantly I think about the waste of precious time. Just think about all the time that could have been spent daydreaming, spending time with family, or simply partaking in a favorite hobby for those who created, worked, and watched this film. This takes me back to my original quandary about why so many talented people would bother with something so bad. Money. They say money is the root of all evil and NINE LIVES is perfect evidence. So I can only ask that you avoid giving this movie any of it.
BLU RAY REVIEW
Video: (1080p HD Widescreen 1:85:1) If being able to recognize horrendous CGI is a sign of a bad blu-ray, then this movie doesn’t deserve the blu-ray treatment.
Audio: (English DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1) The slapstick cartoon sounds made me wish that I was watching Saturday morning cartoons instead.
Letting the Cat Out of the Bag: The Making of NINE LIVES (12:03): The cast and crew talk about working on the film as well as the actual thought that went into designing and crafting the look of this movie. Nauseating to say the least.
Russian for Herding Cats (14:07): I don’t know what the title is referencing and at this point I don’t want to know. This feature talks about the different cats that were trained and used in this movie. A surprisingly interesting feature, but that’s a very low bar to clear.
Trailer
