Scary Movie V Blu-ray Review

The latest installment in the SCARY MOVIE franchise opens with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan shooting a sex tape. Lindsay makes a joke about how she doesn’t want it all over the Internet because her private life should be kept private. Then Charlie expresses his concern that she shouldn’t be driving—after all, she’s a danger to pedestrians. And then they go at it, revealing their respective court-ordered monitors and bouncing all over the room. Then come the clowns, dwarves and ponies. Post-coitus, Charlie fields a phone call from his dealer and his cat, Emilio, well, does something that can only be a jab about his older brother only getting sloppy seconds.

Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen in Scary Movie 5 F

That gives you some idea of what you’re in for. So, too, does having seen any of the other four SCARY MOVIEs. The plot, if you feel like calling it that, finds Charlie’s brother, Dan (Simon Rex, who, depending on your age, you’ll either remember from MTV or the past two SCARY MOVIEs), and his wife, Jody (Disney product Ashley Tisdale, taking the reins from Anna Faris), taking custody of his three kids, who are just as curious as you’d expect.

Scary Movie V

Somehow and someway, SCARY MOVIE 5 (promotional materials spell it with a Roman numeral V, but that seems too complicated for its target audience) forces a number of spoofs down viewers’ throats. Aside from recent horror entries like THE CABIN IN THE WOODS, EVIL DEAD, INSIDIOUS, and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (already parodied in A HAUNTED HOUSE, starring series alum Marlon Wayans), it also makes time for other pop culture novelties like the MADEA movies, HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO and FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (Jerry O’Connell as Christian Grey? Sure, why not!), as well as random Oscar winners like BLACK SWAN, INCEPTION and THE HELP (you’ll never guess which scene…).

Scary Movie V

There’s also a Hispanic housekeeper (Lidia Porto, EXTRACT) with explosive diarrhea, apes hurling feces at walls, a box of dildos that a toddler mistakes for toothbrushes, a Leonard DiCaprio-type with breasts, a teddy bear going down on a ballerina, a woman having sex with a microwave, and so on.

Scary Movie V

This is all courtesy of writers Pat Proft and David Zucker, who seem to be unconvinced that their better days (Proft co-wrote all three NAKED GUN movies; Zucker, in addition to the NAKED GUNs, was a part of AIRPLANE! and TOP SECRET!) are behind them and seem to be content filling out the rest of their resumes with no-brained works that do more to parody themselves.

Scary Movie V

And don’t forget cameos, which include Heather Locklear, Molly Shannon, Snoop Dogg (Lion?), Mike Tyson, Usher, and a couple of celebs and near-celebs you won’t recognize. These are people that had a free afternoon and decided to spend it being involved with what is undoubtedly one of the least amusing and most mind-insulting parodies ever greenlit. Don’t let Mike Tyson and whoever Big Ang is be role models.


Video: 1.78:1 in 1080p with MPEG-4 AVC codec. The video is clean enough, with no noticeable flaws aside from what the director wanted the viewer to see.

Audio: English 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio. Subtitles in English and Spanish. The audio transfer hosts clean dialogue and music.

Deleted & Extended Scenes (9:51): There are eight here, which can be viewed separately or as a whole. They are: “Kathy Plays with Tito,” “Ballet Flashback Extended,” “Artie Humps Baby,” “Heather vs. Truck,” “Live Mommy Dead Mommy,” “‘Almost Gave Birth,’” “Newspaper,” and “50 Shades Extended.”

Also included are a DVD and UltraViolet.


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