Superman, Spider-Man, Back to the Future and the top ten most awkward kisses in film
by Nathan Swank
When I was in 8th grade, a girl had her friends ask my friends if I liked her. You can imagine my elated glee upon this news and I swiftly asked her if she would “go with me.” Now this phrase in 8th grade basically means we will talk on the phone and in between classes, as we cannot actually drive yet to go on real dates. That is until a special Friday night school dance. To my shame, I promptly realized I have no idea what to say to a girl once I know she likes me. However, everyone assured me that she would love for me to kiss her. I was inexperienced at the organic act of kissing as my only small experience was from the forced action during a game of Truth Or Dare. Taking tips from BACK TO THE FUTURE, my plan was to make my grand romantic gesture during a slow song at the big dance. With my sweaty palms and silk shirt, I had delayed the inevitable awkwardness until the final song. As “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men was coming to an end, the song spoke to me. With my hands on her hips, her hands on my shoulders and my head looking up from prayer to my Lord to give me strength, I swoop down to go for the intimate earth-shattering kiss I knew I had in me. However, in this action I realized one small problem… She had no idea it was coming. As she was casually turning her head to the side, my momentum had already gotten the best of me and I gave her ear a tonguey wet surprise. Needless to say she broke up with me the following week. I think the tetanus shots following the debacle were a little much on her part. Here are my Top Ten Awkward Kiss Moments in film history.
10. SPIDER-MAN – Yes, it is always talked about but the upside down kiss is one to marvel (pun intended). I have no idea how hanging upside down as rain is pouring up your nose with a mask half way around your face could be anything pleasant but Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst make is look like magic.
9. THE LITTLE MERMAID – Now, technically the two don’t kiss in this moment but how uncomfortable and awkward would it be to be canoeing down a river with your new honey while all the swamp animals sing to you? The pressure from my friends was hard enough let alone some creepy lobster telling me I’m not making my move fast enough and “You’ve Got To Kiss The Girl.”
8. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK – So Indiana (Harrison Ford) has outrun boulders, fought off snakes and battled Nazis. He’s obviously a little banged up and sore. The poor guy is in desperate need of some R&R when his dame starts kissing his wounds. It’s a pretty smooth move telling her the places it doesn’t hurt so she can kiss them but the awkward part is when he falls asleep during a surefire good time.
7. MY GIRL – Practicing on my arm, threatened to be pounded and giving the Pledge of Allegiance afterwards – this film eerily knew exactly what my wife would demand from me years later. I once had a girl kiss my hand in a game of girls chase boys during recess. At that age it was all fun and games until I went home with a full-blown case of Cooties. This was a risk that our two cute lovebirds played by Anna Chlumsky and Macaulay Culkin were apparently willing to take
6. SUPERMAN – At the end of the film, Superman’s secret identity as Clark Kent (Christopher Reeve) has been compromised to Louis Lane so how can we fix this mistake…I know lets kiss her so passionately that she forgets the whole thing. However, she can’t shake the sneaking suspicion someone has violated her mouth. Well-done sir.
5. SPECIES – Definitely the most gruesome on the list but there is no denying the horrific style in which this kiss goes down. Natasha Henstring is the alien species and as she is kissing a random tool of a man she proceeds to penetrate the back of his skull with her tongue. I saw this film at far too young of an age because from then on I kiss with a helmet.
4. DUMB AND DUMBER – The eating face kiss scene is one that to a lesser extent I’m sure many of us have experienced or perhaps even sloppily performed. Lloyd’s (Jim Carrey) fantasy of such kiss is one to behold.
3. THE SANDLOT – This kid is my personal hero. Michael ‘Squints’ Palledorous (Chauncey Leopardi) halfway commits suicide by jumping off the high dive into the deep end knowing full well that the unusually hot lifeguard Wendy Peffercorn (Marley Shelton) will try to save his live by giving him CPR. Then when the time is right he makes his make out move. How awkward would it be to be saving a 12 year olds life when he sticks his tongue down your throat?
2. THE GODFATHER: PART II – The kiss of death. This is a kiss from brother to brother and it is definitely heart felt but also tragically sinister. Mob boss Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) discovers his older brother Fredo (John Cazale) has betrayed him, walks over in a crowed room, forcefully kisses him and says, “I know it was you Fredo. You broke my heart.” Enough said.
1. BACK TO THE FUTURE – Yes, I would rather be kissed by my brother before he killed me than kissed by mother because she is sexually attracted to me. Michael J. Fox’s face after the deed has been done is priceless. In retrospect, he deserves a lifetime achievement award for this moment alone.