Wild Orchid Blu-ray Review

I finally found a movie that Mickey Rourke is probably more ashamed of than 9 ½ WEEKS and the DESPERATE HOURS. Ironically, the director for this movie produced one of those and I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out which one once I’m done tearing this film a new hole. But this is the kind of movie where I’m sure the filmmakers would love to film that hole being violated by every actor/actress’ finger and tongue because that’s what kind of movie this is. It’s a sloppy, wet, filth bucket with no redeeming qualities unless you’re Larry Flynt. But Even Flynt has some taste.

WILD ORCHID plays out like a mix of 50 SHADES OF GREY, BASIC INSTINCT, and any low-rent Cinemax skin flick (if you’re up past your bedtime that is). Emily Reed (Otis) is in New York City for a job interview and before you can process her name, she’s got the job. Of course there’s a catch and sadly it’s not staying in a haunted house for the night. She has to fly to Rio de Janeiro the following morning. She’s there to help finalize a hotel deal with her boss, but before you can even get acquainted with her boss, her boss becomes flustered and must suddenly leave. But before she conveniently leaves, she instructs Emily to meet her prescheduled date for the night, Mr. Grey James Wheeler (Rourke).

Micky Rourke in Wild Orchid

No sane person should be attracted to him. He’s quiet, yet intrusive with his questioning during their date. He then ends it by taking her to an outdoor masquerade where a man in a macabre looking animal mask begins nibbling on her neck. So with that awkwardness out of the way, she sleeps off the nightmare and awakes to a horrific sight, James by her bed holding a bouquet of orchids. He gives his apologies and, what I can only assume was a night of breaking and entering into her room to creepily watch her until she wakes up, asks if she would like to be taken out on the town by him. She should obviously say no or at the very least attack him with the nearest blunt object. Right?

*Deep sigh* So what’s a day on the town like with him? It’s even more maddening than the night before. They attend a party where Emily doesn’t know any of the people or what exactly is going on. She watches a woman get sexually assaulted. Then James saves that female from the violent perverts, and they escape with Emily in a limousine. James proceeds to encourages the recently assaulted woman to have sex with her loved one in the car in front of him and Emily.

 Wild Orchid

It’s hard to make fun of something that’s so inherently stupid and doesn’t realize how asinine it is. This movie is confounding in every way imaginable. There is a scene near the beginning where Emily is checking out the hotel they’re potentially buying. She then comes across two locals, who below a broken pipeline of sorts have carnivorous sex. It’s supposed to be steamy and sexy, but it comes off dry and flaccid. This isn’t the only scene that induces an eyeroll and shaves a year off my libido. The most cringeworthy scene has to be the moment where James encourages Emily to sleep with a stranger because we find out that James has a problem with physical intimacy and, for lack of a
better term, is a disgusting voyeur.

Who is this movie for? It has about as much believable plot as a pizza boy porno and about as much romance as ILSA SHE WOLF OF THE SS. Whoever requested this to be released on blu ray deserves to be committed to a mental institution or at the very least have their name cross referenced with a sexual predator list. From my readings, this movie is somewhat famous for a supposed un-simulated intercourse scene between our two leads. I don’t know if this is in the movie, but if it is, I’m sure it was like the rest, filmed poorly with cheesy saxophone tones below it as I count down the remaining minutes left in the movie.

BLU-RAY REVIEW

Video: (1080p Widescreen 1:85:1) For a mid-90’s movie that’s being restored, it looks good. The only times you’ll notice problems is fast pans by the camera or specific moments of bright clarity in the South American sun.

Audio: (English DTS-HD Master Audio 2.0) For being a restoration, this music also comes in clearly, but needs to be balanced. The music is pulsing loud and the dialogue is seductively low. Needs to find a middle ground.

OVERALL .5
    MOVIE REVIEW
    BLU-RAY REVIEW
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